Dobby's Warning
by The Unusual Suspect
Summary: A light hearted attempt at finding out what would have happened if Harry had listened to Dobby in his second year. If you are looking for a serious fanfic, then this is not for you!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. If you read further, then you'll surely know why.

**Summary:** A little something that I wrote because I wanted to find out how lame my sense of humor really is. It's a light hearted attempt at finding out what would have happened if Harry had listened to Dobby in his second year. If you are looking for a serious fanfic, then this is not for you!

**Dobby's Warning**

"_Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!_"

Harry decided to humor the house elf, "And why shouldn't I do so?"

"There be dark things happening at Hogwarts this year…"

"Damn it. More dark stuff is going to happen?"

Dobby nodded.

Harry sighed, "Shit. I was really looking forward to the year, you know?"

Dobby nodded again.

Harry got out of his bed and crept towards the Dursley's bedroom. Once inside, he picked up the bedside phone and dialed the number.

Someone picked up on the other side and said, "Hello"

"Can I speak to Hermione please?"

"This is Hermione speaking."

"Hey Hermione, this is Harry."

"Oh Hi Harry. It's been so long since I heard from you."

"Hermione, I don't have much time. There is this weird elf creature at my house and he says that more dark stuff will happen at Hogwarts next year."

"Dark stuff again?"

"Yeah, that's what the creature said."

"So what do you want to do?"

"I think we shouldn't go back."

"Ok, I will tell my parents."

"I don't want to stay at my relative's house anymore. They make me do chores and treat me like shit."

"Ok, come to my place then."

"Ok. How should I come?"

"You're not a baby anymore, Harry. Find a way. You already have my address."

"Ok, I will find a way."

"Great. I will see you soon. Bye."

Harry put down the phone and crept back to his room. Dobby was still patiently waiting for him.

"Ok Dobby, I won't be going back."

"Harry Potter has agreed to Dobby's wishes. Harry Potter is the greatest wizard ever."

Harry then proceeded to pack all his possessions and told Hedwig to fly to Hermione's house.

Harry then asked Dobby, "So what will you do now, Dobby?"

"Dobby will go back to Master's house and put his head in oven."

"Isn't there any way for you to be free from your Master?"

"Yes, only if Master gives Dobby clothes."

"What kind of clothes?"

"Any kind of clothes."

"Ok, I was thinking of catching a train to go to Hermione's house but your need is greater. We will first catch a train to your Master's house, deal with him and then go to Hermione's."

"What being a train?"

"A train is something that makes you move from one place to another."

"Dobby can take Harry Potter to Master's house without using train."

"Ok, you do that."

Harry suddenly found himself in Malfoy Manor. In front of him, Lucius and Narcissa were engaging in amorous activities.

"Yuck, gross." He said. However, his eyes were focused completely on Narcissa's form.

Lucius looked up, "What the hell are you doing here, Potter?"

Harry proceeded to take a smelly sock out of his pocket and threw it on the bed, "Let's play catch!"

The sock landed on Narcissa's right breast. She pulled away due to the stink of the sock. Lucius picked it up and then threw it away in disgust, "What's the meaning of this, Potter?"

"Dobby, catch!" shouted Harry.

Dobby was one step ahead of him. He caught the sock, then caught hold of Harry and disappeared.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Harry found himself standing in his best friend's bedroom, who just happened to be changing her clothes.

He exclaimed, "Wow, two pairs of breasts in one day! Am I a lucky guy or what?"

Hermione looked up and screamed, "Harry!"

She then proceeded to hug him, without paying any heed to her current state of undress.

"Hell yeah, I am the luckiest guy in the world!"

Hermione soon realized that she wasn't fully dressed and jumped back. He was still staring. She admonished him, "Harry, it's rude to stare."

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it isn't!"

"Ok, why isn't it rude?"

"I was always going to see your breasts sooner or later, Hermione!"

"How do you know that?"

"Because I am going to marry you and then make cute babies with you."

"Really, Harry?"

"That is for sure, Hermione!"

"Oh Harry, that's so sweet!" she jumped up again to hug him.

To Harry's joy, she still hadn't put on her clothes.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Harry moved in at Hermione's parents' house and they both decided on home schooling. Their friend Ron sent them a letter to convince them to return to school, but they ignored it. When he sent another letter, they sent Dobby to take care of him.

Dobby happily told both Hermione and Harry about how he had thoroughly ironed Ronald Weasley's hands. It would be a long time before he wrote a letter again.

Albus Dumbledore came over himself to the Grangers house in order to convince the duo. They both politely refused. However, Albus wasn't ready to take no for an answer and tried to force them to come with him.

In retaliation, Dobby ended up punching Albus in the crotch. The elf's hands were stronger than they appeared and Dumbledore's genitals were unable to bear the blow. He just managed to somehow apparate back to Hogwarts gates, before he moved on to the next great adventure.

Harry and Hermione happily continued their home schooling while terror reigned supreme at Hogwarts.

By the end of the school year, Lord Voldemort had been able to use Ginny Weasley's life force and resurrect himself.

However, his resurrection had a minor flaw and thus he ended up having a girl's voice.

For the next two years, he tried all that he could to resolve this issue, but the girly voice remained.

His followers started laughing at him behind his back, and this led to major self confidence issues for the self styled Dark Lord.

He was unable to cope up with these issues and ended up committing suicide.

Harry married Hermione on his 17th birthday with Dobby as his best man.

All was well.

(A/N: Just a little something that I came up with to pass time.

I have ideas for a couple of OMAKE's to support this. If you want me to write them, then let me know!)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. If you read further, then you'll surely know why.

**Summary:** There is an alternate ending to the last part and then an OMAKE after it.

Alternate Ending

_Harry and Hermione happily continued their home schooling while terror reigned supreme at Hogwarts._

_By the end of the school year, Lord Voldemort had been able to use Ginny Weasley's life force and resurrect himself._

_However, his resurrection had a minor flaw and thus he ended up having a girl's voice._

The Dark Lord immediately contacted a eunuch to help him disguise his voice.

Finally after two long years of extensive training, he was able to speak in his old voice again.

Now it was time to wreak havoc on Britain. But before that he had to do one thing.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The phone rang in the Granger household. Harry Potter and his girlfriend Hermione Granger were engaged in a deep snogging session on the couch, and didn't bother to respond.

When the phone rang again, Harry let out a string of expletives which his girlfriend quickly admonished him for.

She then proceeded to get up and answer the phone, "Hello. Granger Residence"

"May I speak to Harry Potter?"

"Yes. Who is calling?"

"This is Lord Voldemort."

"Ok, just hold on for a second."

She called out, "Harry, it's for you."

"Who is it honey?" Harry asked.

"Voldemort"

Harry took the phone from her, "Hey Tom, long time!"

"Don't use that name, Potter!"

"Oh come on Tom. We've met a couple of times already. It's high time we refer to each other on a first name basis."

Voldemort grudgingly accepted, "Ok, Harry."

"So, where did you get my number?"

"I got it from the telephone directory."

"Wow. How did you get hold of a phone directory?"

"I'm the most feared wizard in Britain. Do you really think I won't have a phone directory?"

"Good point!"

"Thanks."

"So what do you want?"

"I want you to leave Britain."

"Why would I do that?"

"I will give you one million galleons to leave without asking me any reasons."

"Ok. I will owl you my vault details. I'll prefer a onetime coin payment."

"Yeah. No problem. Where will you be going?"

"I'll send you a postcard once I reach."

"Ok. I wish you a Happy Journey."

"Thanks Tom. Bye."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Harry moved to the Caribbean Island along with the Grangers. He sent Voldemort a postcard like he had promised.

He bought a huge villa with the money provided by Voldemort and proceeded to live a happy life.

A year later Harry got the news that Voldemort had been executed by the Goblins. He had failed to make an interest payment on his loan of one million galleons.

Harry Potter was rich. His fiancée was hot and a monster in bed. Now the Dark Lord was dead.

All was well.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

OMAKE: Christmas Presents 

Voldemort looked at the letter and parcel and decided to open the letter first:

_Dear Tom, _

_I__ really didn't expect you to send a Christmas Present and it was a pleasant surprise. I must say that I found **"Taking over Britain: The Dark Lord's Autobiography"** to be an absolutely gripping read._

_My favorite was the part in which you killed Molly Weasley with an 'Avada Kedavra' howler. Top marks to you for being innovative._

_Hermione wants me to add that she particularly enjoyed the part in which you transfigured Ron into a pig and fed him to your Death Eaters. _

_Please find our gift attached with the letter. We are sure that you will enjoy it._

_Do keep in touch!_

_Lots of love,_

_Harry_

Voldemort then opened the parcel and found a set of seven books. He retired to his chamber and for the next seven days the Death Eaters heard nothing from him other than the occasional bout of loud evil laughter.

Once Voldemort had finished reading all the books, he wrote a letter:

_Dear Harry,_

_You were right. I really enjoyed the set of muggle books you sent me. Boy, does that Rowling have a wild imagination or what?_

_I have to say that the ending was the funniest part though. I laughed for an entire day after reading that._

_I couldn't help but laugh when she paired you up with Ginny. Trust me, I have been inside that girl's head for one entire year. If I were to take a normal person's life force, then it would have taken me a day or two maximum. With this dumb girl though it took me one bloody year! Can you believe that?_

_Also pass on my commiserations to Hermione as the author paired her up with Ron. You obviously must have read that I fed him to my Death Eaters in pig form. However, what my book does not mention is the number of 'Crucios' that I had to use to force feed them. A couple of them even died from severe vomiting after eating him._

_Last but not the least; the author again ended up killing me by a rebounded AK? Originality is dead, I tell you! How thick does she think I am?_

_I look forward to hearing from you again._

_Lots of love,_

_Tom_

(A/N: And that's the end of another chapter full of absolute stupidity. I hope you don't hate me too much right now.

Do review!)


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